self-esteem

i don't know how i feel about myself. it goes up and down, and i usually try not to think about it. tonight is a bad night, and i feel so ugly. i believe that appearance shouldn't be the only thing people should care about it, but life is easier when you're good looking. i feel incredibly ugly. not even ugly, but i don't think i look right, i think i look strange. i have big eyes and a big nose, but my eyebrows are normal sized and so are my lips. it makes me look like a bug. i'm incredibly pale with dark hair. my eyebrows aren't symmetrical, and one of my eyes is droopier than the other. my face is oval and i look like a human potato. i want to be pretty. i want to be a pretty girl. i want people to admire my face and not, not look at me. i want people to be taken aback by how pretty i look. i don't think that will ever happen.
low self-esteem is dangerous, and it's a breeding ground for feeling shitty about yourself in millions of ways. but it's also a bizarre comfort. if i believed i was so beautiful, and was confident, what would happen if someone told me i was ugly? was i kidding myself? i can't see myself the way others do, so there's no reason i shouldn't be ugly. when you have low self-esteem about the way you look, it's a safe place. you know there's nowhere lower to go. you're already there! i hope i get pretty someday.

mental problems

i'm writing this down because i don't want to bombard my friends and my next appointment with my psychologist is not soon.
i have bad anxiety. i got flu symptoms tonight, and i am pretty sure i have the flu. my anxiety has been bad lately, and it's always bad when i'm not with my psychologist, chris. it's always bad when i feel no one is listening. i hate my friend right now, and i have two tests tomorrow. i can't take the tests because i'm sick, and it's going to be tiring to make them up. i have to tell myself to not check my friend's blog because when i do i get lots of feelings. i get very angry immediately, and then it suppresses in my chest and i become very sad. this cycle continues for a few minutes or i tell myself to stop. i want to hurt her. we used to be best friends; but now i have such hostility and resentment towards her. i'm writing this blog post so i can get out these feelings. i want to grab a serrated kitchen knife from downstairs and cut up my pillow. she is so frail, and skinny, and i want to break her. my feelings for her are hard to explain through words. i just want to see her suffer like i did. i would probably feel bad if i said anything mean to her or physically hurt her. i haven't said any mean things to her since it all happened. i am so angry, but when i get so angry i can't do anything about it and then i feel a wave of weakness wash over me, and i feel crippled. i usually end up crying because my anxiety makes me feel hopeless and out of control.
today has been a horrible day, and i want to hurt something. anxiety is hurting me.

drugs

on friday, i technically did drugs for the first time. i had a single bite of a weed brownie but nothing really happened. i got really tired, really fast, but nothing else happened. my best friend had a single bite too, but she also smoked the residue out of my older sister's bowl. she wasn't tired like i was, and she laughed more than normal.

yesterday, i took half of a weed brownie. i was alone in my room, and it was late and i was already tired. but i figured i had nothing to lose. so i ate it, and it was fun. i was lying in my bed when anything happened, and i thought two inches = one centimeter. and i took a snap chat video to see if it was true that when under the influence an eye can't look in a sweeping straight line. it made me feel like a fake watch, and it was funny. i fell asleep after about an hour or so, so i couldn't enjoy it that well.

tonight, i took the other half of the brownie at around 8:07. it's 10:16 and i feel nothing. no effects and i'm pretty bummed. i wanted to get high. but oh well.